There’s Too Much Heartache In My Video Games!: Mass Effect (Part 3 of 4)

So your back for more of my ranting over fictional love interests? You poor people. Well, OK, lets get into it then.

Now, this time, lets discuss Mass Effect, Commander Shepard and Kaidan Alenko…oh dear.

When Commander Shepard first meets Kaidan aboard the Normandy in the first game, she is instantly taken with him, but, he is her subordinate, so it’s a big no, no. Doesn’t stop them flirting their butts off anyway. I mean, come on, can you blame her? Kaidan is just so adorable…and that voice…

They go through a lot together, giant space roaches, sentient plants, fending off romantic advances from Liara…

They are finally forced to awkwardly admit their feelings when Shepard is forced to sacrifice one of her teammates, Kaidan or Ashley. (RIP Ashley)  On the way to their final fight with the Saren and the Reapers, they finally give in. YAY!

Gotta say, they get a pretty good love scene. Definitely not as awkward as…whatever that was in DA: Origins, (Sorry Alistair)

Our heroes win the day and live happily ever after?

Seriously? Did have you learn’t nothing?

Load up ME2 and you’ll see what I mean. Yep, that’s Shepard floating off into deep space after her ship is blown to pieces, presumed dead by her crew, while Kaidan is left to carry on without her.

Luckily Shepard has some really great friends (thanks Liara…I think) and the questionable organisation Cerberus has a vested interest in Shepard. She is recovered and rebuilt, (apparently helmet safety pays off)  and is made all sparkly and new. So you would think that after a few years to hear that the love of his life yet lives, Kaidan would be happy.

Shit no!

They meet again and he’s an absolute douche. (I mean, really Kaidan?) He sends a lame-ass email a little while later, but my Shepard is not impressed and still heartbroken. Too heartbroken to even romance her good buddy Garrus, (I love you man!) who sadly, remains securely in the friend-zone.

So Shepard embarks on a suicide mission to stop the Collectors, why not? Her life is pretty shitty right now, leading a rag tag bunch of miscreants.(Not you Garrus! Nor you Tali! Or you Joker! At least YOU guys stuck by your pal!) the Alliance doesn’t trust her, the love of her life doesn’t trust her and she’s due to be court-marshaled should she survive.

Seriously Liara…thanks for the rescue…

Naturally, like the ball of awesome she is, Shepard survives, only to be tossed in prison to await trial for pissing off the Bartarians. Your welcome Galaxy! She saves your butt twice and this is the thanks? Should stayed at home that day Shepard.

That brings us to ME3. Shepard is awaiting trial. Once again she meets Kaidan, douchbaggery continued. But Shepard turns her bitch on so the anger and resentment is pretty even right now. And then next time they meet he pulls his gun on her! WTF! I love you Kaidan, but your making it very difficult right now! So an evil corporation brought her back to life, doesn’t mean you can’t trust her!

Shepard manages to diffuse the situations, with her usual diplomacy, but geez Kaidan!

Then Kaidan has the nerve to ask to come back to the Normandy. By this point I was very tempted to tell him to stick it, but Shepard insisted I let him back on board. So on board he came.

So things improved greatly once they were both back on board, they flirted, learned to trust each other again and basically fell in love all over again. Kaidan even cooks while on shore leave. All the adorableness. They were back together, saving the universe.


Commander Britt Shepard

I should have known better…

The night before the final fight, Kaidan shows up with a bottle of booze and the two stressed out love-birds spend one last night of romance together. Sweet and romantic. I may have replayed this scene over a few times. I just love these guys together, yes Kaidan, even after all the douchyness.



Until they return to earth, Shepard says her goodbyes, and leaps into battle, Kaidan is wounded, words are said, promises are made and she rides the beam up to face the Illusive Man (*Sob* Anderson *Sob*)

Finally, a half dead Shepard drags her sorry butt up the the controls and kills the Reapers, using the renegade option, (Sorry EDI) but I’m not risking another Reaper attack or Geth uprising.

Well, after all this, if anyone deserves a happy ending it’s Shepard right? Nope, tears of anger and despair were shed, lots of them.

Damn you Bioware!

After the Mass Relays are destroyed, the Normandy and her crew crash land on a random planet, Kaidan included, and Shepard presumably falls to earth on the citadel.

I mean, what the hell! Uggg…

I think I was supposed to be comforted by the final cut scene of a piece of N7 armour taking a breath, but I’m really, really not! Shepard is trapped under tonnes of rubble and debris. And even if she survived, Kaidan is literally worlds away with no way home.

This is literally the ship that first got me into reading fanfiction.




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